I honestly don't know what I was typing, but I hope I'm gonna write something good. Well, this blog should be about my reflections during the third quarter, but right now, I don't know what to say.
To be honest, I don't know how to start this. I didn't even notice the quarter 3 is already ending. Maybe it happened too fast for someone who's not moving like me. Every night, I'd ask myself what I did. Maybe asking myself every night is what's struggling me to focus. Oh, to focus. I don't even remember when was the last time I had a proper sleep. Am I even sleeping or just simply taking a rest? I don't know how does it feel to sleep anymore. Quarter 3 was a Big Bang Theory to my life. It crushed me piece by piece while trying to go through it. Why is it that Quarter 3 is always the hardest? Why does it has to be the toughest? Do I even wanna know why?
But let me just leave some words here. These words are purely from the inside of me. Nothing more, just pure emotions through words.
Well, to start with, I started Qaurter 3 too happy. I didn't even know why I was so happy that time. Maybe because I was proud of what I have achieved again. Because of too much happiness, I sort of lost my track. Not totally, but I did anyway. It was a mistake to celebrate too long. Because of too much happiness, I only focused on them too. Until I slowly realize what was happening to me again. I was too busy thinking what I have achieved to pay attention to what was happening around me.
In short, my pride ate me up.
After that, things got even worse. I started to lose everything that I have. Closeness to friends, focus in academics, time, energy. I started losing them, slowly. Yeah, slowly but painful.
Maybe because of the things that make me happy a lot, I lose focus.
Maybe because I am too proud of myself, I lose control.
Maybe because of their unbeatable expectations, I lose energy.
Maybe because of feeling there's no time for me anymore, I lose closeness.
Quarter 3 was really the toughest of them all. I don't know how I am going to face the last quarter, but I hope before I will, my energy will come back. Stressed person with goals like me can't just enter another battlefield, hoping to win it again. Everything was good. Every single one of the subjects was good. Maybe it was I, who was the problem. Yeah, maybe..
Moving forward, I will look more for the things that will bring back the real me. Not this. I am not this. With all my remaining strength and courage, I must continue to strive, hoping the real "Marga" returns.
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